Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan arrived in Washington May 16 to meet with U.S. President Donald Trump. Here’s how Clarion Project thinks the conversation went:
Trump: Tayyip Recep Erdogan! Mind if I call you Tay? It’s just easier.
Erdogan: Um, no…sure, Tay’s fine I guess. Hey this White House is kinda small. The new palace I built back home is much bigger! It’s even bigger than Mar-a-Lago.
Trump: Yeah right. But, I have the biggest everything. Let’s get down to business. NATO. You’re supposed to be on our side and we’re paying you a lot of money for that. No more of this purchasing ISIS oil under the table. I want to see you take the fight to the enemy. Smash ISIS.
Erodgan: Oh, we’re doing that. Making excellent progress, if I do say so. We’re thinking about staying for a while in Syria actually. Gonna set up a couple of bases over there.
Erdogan: Just to help arm and train local forces! Nothing dodgy!
Trump: Nothing to do with obliterating the Kurds?
Erdogan: No, no, no. Absolutely not. No way! But while we’re talking about it, I want you to tell the Kurds to back off – Turkey belongs to the Turks.
Trump: I think you’ve made that very clear Tay. By the way, why were you ranting about the Temple Mount the other day?
Erdogan: The Temple Mount? I think you mean Al-Aqsa.
Trump: Whatever. Jared always calls it the Temple Mount. You’re calling for riots now? You knew I was going there to make a deal! What gives?
Erdogan: I didn’t call for riots. I called for the Muslim world to assemble at Al-Aqsa and show those filthy Je-sorry-Zionists that we will never relinquish our historic holy sites! We will never …
Trump: Calm down, Tay. Just calm down. I’m going there next week, and I’m going to make a deal. I’m going to make a deal. You’ll be happy, the Israelis will be happy, the Palestinians will be happy. It’ll be the best deal you’ve ever seen, believe me.
Erdogan: OK, but can I still be caliph of the Muslim world?
Trump: Caliph, Shmaliph, be whatever you wanna call it, but you know, Tay, you gotta earn it. Nobody likes a guy who gets there by throwing his enemies in jail. Just not manly. Now, about the journalists …
Tay: They’re all traitors! They deserved it! And you’re harboring the worst one of them all….
Trump: Get it through your head, Tay, we’re not giving up Gulen. Forget about it. Next subject. What’s all this I hear about you getting chummy with the Chinese? What were you doing at the “One Belt, One Road” summit this weekend?
Erdogan: Just a friendly chat about China making some investments in Turkey.
Trump: Let someone else foot the bill. Am I right?
Erdogan: Doesn’t hurt. Just like NATO, ha, ha. I mean, sure, we’re going to be pulling our weight.
Trump: Make sure you do that. I’m going to be watching you, Tay.