The leaders of the UK, France and Germany came out with a statement blaming Iran for the attack on the Saudi national oil company Aramco, which accounts for five percent of the world’s oil production.
We at Clarion were pleasantly surprised, thinking that (finally) the European leaders, who are so heavily financially invested in Iran, decided to say, “Enough is enough!” and hold Iran accountable – until we read the text of the statement (see the full text below).
The following is our rendition of just how and why they could put out such a duplicitous and cowardly response to the Iranian’s latest and extremely serious aggression against the world’s powers:
UK PM Boris Johnson: Good God! The Americans have evidence that Iran was behind the attack on the Saudi’s oil supply.
France PM Emmanuel (Mannie) Macron: Merde! There goes my statement to Le Monde that we have to be careful before we blame anyone for the attack.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel: Look, we all have billions of euros invested in Iran since that sham of a nuclear deal allowed us to get our hands back in there. Let’s think rationally. How are we going to get around this one? That crazy American Trump is already breathing down our necks with his annoying sanctions.
Boris (ruffling his mop and looking hurt): You’re not calling him crazy because of his hair, are you?
Angela: Grow up, Boris. We have an international crisis here that we need to solve!
Mannie: I will put my thinking cap on, Maman. (Takes out a beret.)
Angela: Boys, enough! Grow up!
Boris (thinking): I’ve got an idea that will work!
Mannie (taking off his hat): Fantastique! Now I don’t have to think anymore. So hard for us millennials.
Angela: Shut up, Mannie. Let’s hear it, Boris.
Boris: We tell the world Iran did it.
Angela (gasping): Have you lost your mind?
Mannie (confused): But then we have to do something about it!
Boris: No, no, no. That’s the point! We say this attack just proves we are more committed than ever to the nuclear deal. We throw around words like “diplomatic efforts” and “engagement with all parties.” We talk about “de-escalation” and “regional stability!”
Angela (lighting up): I see where you’re going here. Straight out of the Pravda handbook. Brilliant! We come out for “international peace” and nobody can touch us.
Mannie: Magnifique! Then we don’t have to do one thing about it! Let’s get writing.
(Editor’s Note: All kidding aside, here is the actual text of the statement:)
“Joint statement by the heads of state and government of France, Germany and the United Kingdom”
We, the leaders of France, Germany and the United Kingdom, recall our shared common security interests, in particular upholding the global non-proliferation regime and preserving stability in the Middle East.
We condemn in the strongest terms the attacks on oil facilities on Saudi territory on September 14th, 2019 in Abqaiq and Khurais, and reaffirm in this context our full solidarity with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and its population.
It is clear to us that Iran bears responsibility for this attack. There is no other plausible explanation. We support ongoing investigations to establish further details.
These attacks may have been against Saudi Arabia but they concern all countries and increase the risk of a major conflict. They underline the importance of making collective efforts towards regional stability and security, including finding a political solution to the ongoing conflict in Yemen. The attacks also highlight the necessity of de-escalation in the region through sustained diplomatic efforts and engagement with all parties.
In this regard, we recall our continued commitment to the JCPoA, agreed with Iran on July 14th, 2015 and unanimously endorsed by the UN Security Council. We urge Iran once again to reverse its decisions to reduce compliance with the deal and to adhere fully to its commitments under it. We call upon Iran to cooperate fully with the IAEA in the framework of the JCPoA and its Comprehensive Safeguards Agreement.
Conscious of the importance of collective efforts to guarantee regional stability and security, we reiterate our conviction that the time has come for Iran to accept negotiation on a long-term framework for its nuclear programme as well as on issues related to regional security, including its missiles programme and other means of delivery.
We are committed to continuing our diplomatic efforts to create conditions and facilitate dialogue with all relevant partners interested in de-escalation of tensions in the Middle East, in the interest of preserving international peace and security, building upon our joint declaration on July 14th, 2019 and G7 conclusions adopted in Biarritz. We urge Iran to engage in such a dialogue and refrain from further provocation and escalation.