Former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton assumes the position of U.S. national security advisor today replacing General H.R. McMaster. He hits the floor running after his boss, President Donald Trump, threatened a U.S. response to the latest chemical attack in Syria, which Trump blamed on the “animal Assad” (Syria’s dictator). Here’s Clarion Project’s (at times satirical) look at Bolton’s personal diary for day one on the job:
9 am: Chair Meeting of National Security Council re: Syrian Chemical Attack
Figure out what Donald meant by saying there would be a “big price to pay” for the snuffing out of women and children in Syria with chemical weapons. How low can that butcher in Syria go? He is truly an “animal.” Note to participants: any response will have to punish Russia and Iran, too. Donald named them also responsible.
11 am: Brief Statement to the Press
Stave off the media re what we decided in above meeting till after it’s done. (If it doesn’t go well, we can always deny). Stand by Pentagon’s denial of U.S. missile attack on Syrian air base between Homs and Palmyra. Whoever did it, I hope it knocked out a good amount of Syria’s and Russia’s fighter planes. (Get the Israelis on the phone.)
11:30 am: IRAN!
Check when next opportunity comes up for the boss to get out of this awful agreement. If Mr. Supreme Leader thinks his “enemies” were behind the latest “unprecedented onslaught” condemning him and his totalitarian regime, he hasn’t seen anything yet. He thinks his country is a “rising power?” Not when I get done with it. That tyrant’s gotta go. Convince Donald that regime change is the only way. And while we’re talking about regime change, it’ll work well in the next meeting, too.
1 pm: Meet with Mike Pompeo at CIA re: North Korea
Get up to speed with Mike on the secret talks already underway (love the government’s idea of a secret – I found out about this on CNN). Coordinate strategy to get the nukes away from that madman Kim — that’ll also help with Iran. Everybody knows these guys share everything. Only have two months max ’til the summit. Note: Tough talk by U.S. administration has worked so far.
3 pm: Break for Lunch. Call head of Germany’s FBI
Give kudos to head of the BKA for nabbing those six terrorists planning to attack Berlin’s half-marathon. See if he has authority to talk some sense in his boss Merkel to get a handle on migrant crime and stop the flow of returning ISIS jihadis to Western Europe.
3:15 pm: Nikki Haley – Punish Hamas
The International Criminal Court says Israel may have committed war crimes staving off those Islamist monsters trying to push through Israel’s borders? Gimme a break! Nikki’s doing a great job holding off the vultures at the U.N., that worthless organization. Now we gotta figure out how we can remind the world that (a) Hamas is a terrorist organization and (b) that already in 2005, Israel pulled out of its “territory” (which Hamas took over illegally from the Palestinian Authority). Even the PA is accusing them of sending civilians to die for media coverage.
5 pm: Ring Nigeria
Time difference should work. Call pres to thank him for freeing kidnapped Americans. Glad they were found in good shape. Give congrats as well for rescuing latest batch of abducted schoolgirls. Boko Haram – what monsters! Tell pres to set up appointment with my secretary for more American help. This terror org must be destroyed for good.
5:30 pm: Make Up for Missing MBS on his U.S. Tour
Get to know Mohammed bin Salman – he’ll be king of Saudi Arabia in no time. Good time to catch him on his plane on the way back from the U.S. Make sure he understands that his American charm offensive means nothing if it isn’t backed up by follow through on his promises to end extremism in the kingdom and give women equal rights. While we’re at it, how about human rights for everyone there.
7 pm: Dinner with Donald and Melania
Bring my last book, Surrender Is Not an Option – POTUS will like it and it will help him get a handle on Syria, North Korea and Iran. Clear rest of evening. Never know how these things go.