Enter the Putin

Trump watches Putin under an umbrella as the Russian leader stands with one foot on Syria and the other in Iran.

As Donald and Vladimir meet in Helsinki, we thought we’d offer our take on the conversation Trump and Putin should be having…

 

Donald Trump in profile (Photo: TIMOTHY A. CLARY / AFP / Getty Images)Hey Vlad, I saw you on TV yesterday in Moscow basking in the glory of France’s World Cup win. How come you were the only one with an umbrella when the heavens opened over the trophy ceremony?

 

Vladimir Putin in profile (Photo: KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV / AFP / Getty Images)It was just my way of letting the French know we know how to protect ourselves from any threats and also a warning to the Croat losers not to restart any funny business in the Balkans – we’ve got enough on our plate with those pesky Ukrainians.

Donald Trump in profile (Photo: TIMOTHY A. CLARY / AFP / Getty Images)We’ve got a lot to discuss today – I know you want to talk North Korea, the world economy and the price of caviar but let’s do the Middle East first.

 

Vladimir Putin in profile (Photo: KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV / AFP / Getty Images)дерьмо (Only check its meaning if you are not offended by curse words)!

 

 

Donald Trump in profile (Photo: TIMOTHY A. CLARY / AFP / Getty Images)Yeah, I know, I hate it too but we have so many common interests there. Five minutes on this then we can get to caviar. I promise.

 

Vladimir Putin in profile (Photo: KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV / AFP / Getty Images)The world out there thinks we’re on different sides but the truth is we also have much that unites us in the battle against these terrorists.

 

Donald Trump in profile (Photo: TIMOTHY A. CLARY / AFP / Getty Images)Radical Islam is a real problem in all its formats violent or political. I think we can agree that the battle against ISIS is of value to both of us – we don’t want their attacks in our country any more than you do in yours – and they’ve struck enough times in both our homelands.

Vladimir Putin in profile (Photo: KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV / AFP / Getty Images)Agreed, though two things bother me. I still don’t get why you paint Assad as the bad guy.

 

Donald Trump in profile (Photo: TIMOTHY A. CLARY / AFP / Getty Images)Being as you are the Russia top dog I can understand why you think that way. It’s something we in the West call human rights. Look it up on Wikipedia on your flight back home. For decades, Bashar and his father, Hafez, brutally put down any opposition. It’s kinda crazy cos they themselves are from the minority Alawite sect. You’d think that alone would make them behave differently.

What’s the second thing?

Vladimir Putin in profile (Photo: KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV / AFP / Getty Images)

Iranian influence in the region is just fine – they’re in my pocket. I can make sure they behave.

 

Donald Trump in profile (Photo: TIMOTHY A. CLARY / AFP / Getty Images)

[Take a deep breath now Donnie boy.] I hear that and totally understand the benefit of allies but look at it from the West’s perspective: Iran is a dictatorship that uses the excuse of religion to brutalize its citizens; it’s involved in terror and wars across the Middle East and pretty much everywhere else.

Vladimir Putin in profile (Photo: KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV / AFP / Getty Images)

I can handle it, Donald.

 

 

Donald Trump in profile (Photo: TIMOTHY A. CLARY / AFP / Getty Images)

Just let me say one more thing: We both started by saying we have a lot that unites us in the Middle East, we really should focus more on that together. If we did, then maybe there’d be more understanding between us on the sensitive topics of Syria and Iran. The way I look at it, Damascus and Tehran are merely subsets of the same radical Islam that is plaguing your country and threatens mine. If we take a step back and look at the big picture, then maybe we can come to greater understanding and agreement on the specifics.

Vladimir Putin in profile (Photo: KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV / AFP / Getty Images)

Let’s keep talking. Now about caviar prices…

 

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